reality. dreaming. limbo.

Seeing photos of old friends always makes me think about the life they are living now and the life that i chose. Wonder many times, behind those smiles and activities they have experienced so far. did life seemed to come to a state of limbo? Or have I missed out? Maybe...

I know I have missed out, but gained in other more authentic experiences. (The road to spiritual fulfillment is never with a crowd)

Been thinking a lot about the future that I have to continue. Its even more tricky than growing up. With age, I realized that life is harder to plan. Steps ahead are less vivid than i was younger. With every new week, I am realizing that within me, there is a very strong need to rely on God. He is the officer-in-charge of my life. If He is not in my lives' picture, I am nothing... that kind of picture.

Been feeling really challenged at work. Not in the sense that the work is tough, but feeling that I have no more heart and patience to brave through the storms (falling branches) anymore. I am feeling that I could do more to contribute in other realms. A lost of sight for what i'm doing has invited a sense of lethargy. I could feel that a move is coming to shake me or wake me, when I fall to the lowest point. When I don't pretend to try to carry the load anymore..

You are my God who answers and receives all my feedbacks. Only You are able to pave the road to any success or any accomplishments.

*When everything goes as planned, I will be signing up to the degree course. After 18 months, i will be holding a degree and also a new job.

Arise & Shine

A mover van with this verse from Isaiah drove passed when i waiting for the light to turn green. Felt so comforted, nearly teared when I saw "Arise, shine, for the light has come! And the glory of Lord is risen upon you." Yes, its His glory that I shine. Its His glory upon me that I could ARISE and SHINE. I cannot attain it or try to do better to gain it... Brain-breeze...
(I had a very bad migraine before this happened.)

Life choices becomes so simple and clear when we hit the crossroads, when i face crunch time. Decisions to leave or live, decisions to throw or keep. When its crunch time, you only keep the things that matters most. You mend the relationships that matters most. Its like throwing away the old or unwanted items at home when we spring clean. Suddenly everything seems useful, throwing away is a heartache. Yes. its sure heartache and headache.

Decide, put aside, put behind, out of sight and move on. Time to bring in the new cupboard. Time for a big renovation. This is all a healthy and necessary process of growing up.

thankfulness

2010 has been a good start for me and for you. so many things happened, good and bad. I'm thankful, simply. A few days from now, I will complete the first quarter of 2010. Thinking back, as the months increase numerically; challenges and problems to tackle take their queue number with the days. Surely, there will be more to think or to let go. My lack of confidence in myself has provided me a solution to transfer the confidence currency to His account.

Thank Abba Father for watching over my life and teaching me to move my feet everyday. i know if its not for You, i will have gave up striving or deciding to live on, simply.

You are the God who knows what I need, What I really need. You are perfect. Your care and attention is more intense than I could tell or feel.
A list of many things to thank you for:
1. Pay raise- (accelerated promotion)
2. Good bonus (highest ever)
3. Friends, who are faithful and understanding
4. broader work commitments (more opportunities to learn)
5. J. has finally got a job. Teaching ! not just any job
6. acoustic guitar
7. Passed with v gd results- Professional Horticulturist Certification

Your goodness in my life draws me closer to You. The challenges reveal Your everlasting Presence. What is there for me to do? i could only praise Your name. Lord you are good...

Seeing each day with a thankful heart has made the inadequencies of life less significant.

more than 12 hours of sleep

i love sleeping. it was really a news to me when i heard from the radio that- there's no such thing as sleeping too much. When your body has rested enough, you will just not feel like sleeping anymore... wow... and my hobby is sleeping. The other is, staying up in the wee hours. yes, i did both during the long chinese new year break. Now im paying back the hours with Master Zhuo, the chess master.

Slept at 730pm last night, after i heard the rain. It was really nice to be greeted with cool breeze and fair skies this morning. I had my glasses on thru'out the nite....
Spent some time thinking what I had to do today.... and thought about the future.

(be patient and wait. this is not the time yet to decide. you will be convinced when the time is full. Set your heart and mind now, to prepare what's ahead of you. ) -HE makes all things beautiful in HIS time.

learning to live

feeling the confused mix after yesterday. how strange is it?
many times, we tend to pick things based on what we think is good for ourselves, ignoring what others are telling us on the outside.
I tend to be forgetful about the pains and hurts of the past quite easily once i have gotten over. I don't bear grudges and tend to mend relationships quite quickly. is this my ability to tolerate? Sometimes, i wished i have abetter memory than this. A better memory guided by wisdom, telling me not to re-visit those places or people again.
seeing you and hearing those stories did not affect me a single bit. the similarity did. why does it still work that way after so long? this machine works its match everytime even when i havent cared or service it after so long. Even when i bothered to care-less with the way i behaved or with the words i say. The outcome still has the unlike poles meeting. this is not simply a work of magnetic field. Who maintained this like-mindedness?
Resting on my back, I recalled the similar events happening again and again. The same words spoken, the same intention, the same intensity. It all sounded like, teenage-growing up stories, stories of a child past. A child wanting to purchase that toy or selecting that 'cool' course in poly, thinking it would be his passion career for life. but only after working it thru with much tears and toil, u realised - i have been idealistic... life is meant to be lived simply.
However, i will force this through and neglect those magnets. I will hide my heart in the corner of the room till the time is full.
till my life has changed and been tested from all temptation, I will not be ready. Growing up and maturity is about knowing yourself and learning to see what is value. learning not be short-changed by the seemingly appealing.

6 months soon

after all the words and walks. I finally understood a truth i was told many many times years ago by a friend. It was a fact a few months ago but it has become a truth now. Hearing those words, I lost my balance. It reconfirms all those words that I saw, it turned matter into a sense of smell. gaseous state. returning to the ozone.

waking up from a sleep after years is a good feeling. jieying, trust what you hear on the inside, trust the words inside. Could YOU tell me what's wrong with me? Are there really so many criteria to be chosen? Is it all a kind of science?

Talking and thinking through, I had a feeling that its many years to go for you . Many years to go on to sort out all that's within the heart and mind. (I hope i'm wrong on this though...)

bus ride

thankful for the year. bus rides home have been different and quite rewarding. lasting only 15-20mins home. strangely, many images and conversation happened within this short moment. Happening in an organized and vivid manner. these sessions stayed within me. They are like many turning points during this period of hard situations.

Start Comprehend. Many events that moved and passed in similar endings. They did not queue to repeat themselves. Introspect.

A time to hibernate dies when the green appears again in spring. Wait only and again. All will begin showing itself vivid in the bright light. Yes, I am comprehending a road you have paved for my feet. Vision comes with my eyes closed. I need to listen to you this time. Its either warm or cold. the lukewarm is like humpty dumpty who sits on the wall and fell over. Again.