more fed up than sad

After that late nite conversation till 4am that night. I was so tired that I overslept the next day and could not wake for my 9am class. I only managed to go in after lunch at 1pm.

After spending another 5 days thinking through the details of the conversation and measuring all other values. I got really FED UP! I used to feel upset, but this time i'm FED UP. Analyzing all factors, i think the condition mentioned could only be summed up into one word. It is not the point about -" you know you can make it happen". It is more of than just that, it is a case of comparing an apple and an orange.

I think it is a pure form of fear- a fear of commitment. "Dont want to burden you, and also myself". Can i qualify this as a form of selfishness? Does cutting everything out, let's u focus more?
At the end of everything else, what am i supposed to do? Do u value this relationship? Do u even value the person? Yes, you do, you do. That's why u made such a decision...
But, is this the amount the commitment u give to this relationship? To our friendship? To everything that we have cultivated over this time. By deciding it in this fashion, you have decided to throw away the fruit tree which have just finished fruiting, shedding its old leaves for the next fruiting season.
In life, there are always things we have to commit. Sometimes, we enjoy and commit wholeheartedly to it. Other times, we are forced into it and we have to make sacrifices to make ends meet. This law applies to the rich and poor. Nobody has the choice to decide otherwise. If u happened to the privileged few- eg. a freelance designer, or running some home-based business or self-employed. You are truly privileged. Cos it is really possible to survive just only free-lancing. Chatting to my friend today, I thought i wanted to do that too, work @ your timing. Earnings through projects alone. Walking in the nursery today, made me feel like i could to it as a job too...
Don't pull up the tree when u see all the shedding of leaves. Give it some time, fork around it with fertilizers. It will faithfully bear fruit again in the next season to come.
I will only need the commitment to believe. To believe that things can be worked out together. Only when u decide to put ur feet down and your head into the sand.